So I shaved my bum

Fear not, this episode will not feature photographs.
But yeah, today I lathered up both hands, applied it to my cheeks, and went in with a razor. It was surprisingly easy, because down there the skin is smooth and the hair is soft. I just deleted two puns from that last sentence, can you guess what they were?
Tensions flared up suddenly at approximately 3pm this afternoon. After decades of peace, sudden unprovoked attacks from the Ryan syndicate decmated much of the hair population. Several thousand hairs retreated deeper into the mountain crevice, and a spokesperson for the Ryan syndicate has already hinted that further violence may be neccessary to secure this region as well.
Anways, the whole thing left me feeling a little too feminine. Not the final result, but the act itself. I know kobody likes hair on the bum except monkeys - and I'm not allowed to go near them anymore since the court order - but something about taking a razor blade anywhere near my legs made me a little uncomfortable. So in an effort to make a skinny man feel more masculine, I decided to grow a beard, starting now. Not shaving my face also prevents me from mixing up which of my blades is for my arse or my face.